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THE SQUARE EGG;"""" 

BEING 

A CHEAP DISH FOR THE TIMES; 

IotA tip far tjie ^5tililit fm\% 

WITH SPECIAL REFERENCE TO DEMOCRATS AND WHIGS. 
BY HIRAM PLOVER, JR. 



" This 19 the most instructive egg that was ever laid." — Dr. Johnson. 

Price Three Cents. 

PUBLISHED BY JOHN P. JEWETT & CO. 



CHAPTER I. ^-^ -— -' 

Dr. Johnson. — Dinner Club. — Scene in the Poultry-yard. — The Square Egg. 
— Comments of the Club. — Opinion of Dr. Johnson. 

It is a tradition of that wonderful critic, Dr. Samuel Johnson, 
that, being one day in the country dining with his club, he related 
a most marvellous anecdote. How it happened that Boswell did 
not tell the story, nobody knows ; but the reader may get a hint, 
as he goes along, that the historian had some good reason for sup- 
pressing it. The growling doctor, in some of his flings at Boswell, 
was not altogether merciful ; and the cunning eulogist, however he 
might see fit to endure them, did not think it expedient to make 
them public. 

But we must now tell our story. 

Said Johnson to Goldsmith, after the cloth was removed, " Did 
you ever see a square egg ? " 

" Where is your dignity, Johnson ? " said Goldy.^ " What do 
you mean ? " 

* The simple doctor went by the name of " Goldy " in the club. 

[Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1852, by JOHN P. JEWETT & CO., in the Clerk'* 
Oflice of the District Court of tha Diitrict of MaMachu»ett».] 

1 



2 THE SQUARE EClO. * "73 

." I always mean to ppcak the truth," said the doctor. " I have 
seen and handled a square egg." 

The attention of the company was now wide awake. " Give us 
the story, Johnson," was the exclamation from all quarters. 

" Have patience, my friends," said the grave and imperturbable 
doctor. " You must take the story in my own way; but you shall 
have the whole of it, and then we will take your comments, if you 
please. 

" A few weeks since, I was in one of our country villages, and 
being somewhat interested in the cackling tribes, and somewhat 
concerned lest the species should die out, in which case our club 
would lose one of its grand attractions, I went into the house of one 
of our farmers, to inquire about the prospects of the poultry-yard. 
I had no fear of the geese, because, in some shape or other, they 
must always, in the nature of things, exist in considerable num- 
bers ; so that Boswell, who is very partial to this bird, need have no 
fear that, so long as he lives, at least, the species will cease to exist. 
But I • found a most alarming fact in the said poultry-yard. A 
large number had collected there to see a square egg, which, it was 
alleged, Cackler had turned out that very morning. The astonish- 
ment, as you may suppose, was very great. I begged permission 
to see the egg, and the owner was kind enough to hold it up to the 
public view. I then took the egg in my hand, and examined it ; it 
was perfectly squai'C, white and beautiful, and all the spectators 
admitted that so far as appearances went there was no fraud. 

" I suggested to the owner, however, that it might be a cheat, 
and that it would be well to ascertain the fact by breaking the egg. 
The owner was very unwilling to do this, as he counted on a large 
income, by taxing a penny a sight for such an extraordinary article. 
Everybody, of course, would wish to see the square egg, and nobody 
would refuse the penny. If the egg were broken, the golden dream 
would be crushed with it; hence tlic owner's objections were insuper- 
able. I suggested again that the hen would probably lay others 
of the same sort, and that where such a mine of wealth existed the 
owner could well afford to break the egg, and thus establish its mar- 



THE SQUARE EGG. 3 

vellous pretensions ; whereas, if it went abroad without being sub- 
mitted to any such test, it would be manifestly an imposture. ]My 
reasoning prevailed, and the farmer, in the presence of about thirty 
witnesses, myself included, very deliberately broke the egg ; when, 
lo ! in confirmation of every hope, it was found to be a delicious 
egg ; the yolk was of a rich yellow, and its other parts were fresh 
and perfect. 

" ' A wonderful hen I ' said I. 

" ' A marvellous hen ! ' everybody responded. 

" ' What is the price of this hen ? ' said a multitude of eager 
voices. 

" ' She is not for sale,' shouted the owner ; ' but, good neighbors, 
since you are witnesses of this extraordinary thing, which is likely to 
prove a fortune to me, you shall have a little of my luck in advance. 
Let us adjourn to the inn, and whatever you want in reason, in the 
way of good cheer, shall not be lacking.' 

" The company applauded his liberality, and followed him to the 
tavern. For myself, I remamed to study the philosophy of tliis 
strange phenomenon." 

" Have you told the whole story, Johnson ? " said two or three 
members. 

" I have told you what I saw," said the critic. "The egg and the 
story would be equally square, were it not that the first is broken." 

" Was the yolk square ? " said Boswell. 

" Good, Boswell ! " said Johnson ; "but you might as well ask me 
whether the hen was square." 

" She has made square work," said Boswell, " which is better 
than you do sometimes. But I am anxious to know more of this 
matter. The egg was broken by the owner, and the story seems to 
be broken by you." 

" I have told you all I know, and I am desirous that we should 
all reap the benefit of the story. There is in this square egg," con- 
tinued Johnson, " a moral of great value. This excellent hen seems 
to have turned aside from the path of life to inculcate upon us all 
the necessity of keeping things square. Here is Goldy, — I hope he 



4 THE SQUARE EGG. 

will feel the force of this lesson, and keep his reckoning square. I 
will not, however, go into the application any further, since you will 
all find something to learn from this egg. 3Iy own opinion is, that 
it is the most instructive egg that ever was laid, and this hen will 
prove the greatest moralist of the age." 

" It might have been the most profitable one," said Goldy ; " but 
it was cruel and unjust in you, Johnson, to make the owner break 
his egg, in the forlorn hope that his hen would lay another like it. 
Do you call this square dealing, doctor ? " 

'" You are mistaken, Goldy," said the doctor ; " my advice was 
good." The next morning another square egg was found under the 
same hen, and the farmer has already realized, in his own village, 
more than two pounds from that egg, charging a penny a sight ; 
and the next day he sold his egg for ten pounds, expecting, of 
course, his hen would lay more. In fact he thought the hens might 
be changing the style of their eggs, and that this hen was only set- 
ting the fashion, or he would not have sold it so cheap. If the 
market should be full of square eggs, the wonder and the value 
would, of course, be greatly diminished. 

" You say your advice was good, and justify it merely because 
the issue was fortunate," said Goldy; "your morals, I fear, are not 
strict enough, Johnson." 

" You was always a hen, in some shape or other, Goldy ! " said 
the doctor ; " this was never so manifest as when you went cackling 
all over France and Italy, and never produced so much as one egg, 
cither square or oval. Do you not know, my dear Goldy, that a single 
square egg, said to be produced in that way, is manifestly a cheat ? 
whereas, if the hen laid a few more of the same sort, it would 
prove enough to justify the man in vending his square eggs. My 
advice went to establish the fact and make the man honest, and the 
result proved ' that honesty is the best policy.' " 

" Are you really honest in this story, Johnson ? " said Burke. 
" Let us know the origin of this square egg, for no one can believe 
it was actually laid by the hen." 

" My dear Burke, you are unreasonably sceptical ; you have seen 



THE SQUARE EGG. 5 

dwarf eggs, oval eggs, flattened eggs, and why may there not be a 
square egg ? " 

" I answer," said Burke, " by quoting a sentence you uttered 
in this club not six months ago, — ' Man,' you said, ' was made, 
originally, with seven senses, and two of them were lost in the 
apostasy ; ' and the reason you gave was, * that there were seven 
days in the week, seven principal planets, seven wonders in the 
world, seven cardinal sciences, and man must have had seven 
senses to make him conform to everything else.' You laughed at 
the weight of your own testimony, and I think the seven senses 
and the square egg will do to go together." 

" I thank you, Burke, for the compliment you have paid me in 
remembering that silly joke ; but I protest against its application 
here. Have not I seen and handled this square egg ? " 

" Not enough, methinks, to convince you of its verity," said 
Burke. " You must fortify the marvel by a little more evidence. 
We are willing to believe it, Johnson, if we can." 

" "Well now, gentlemen, one and all, I protest that I have told you 
all I know. If the thing was a cheat, I could not discover it ; but 
the story, true or false, has in it many an excellent moral ; and 
though you do not believe in my square eggs, I think you will find 
the commodity very abundant in the market, and we are all more 
or less inclined to deal in them. It will be well for us to estimate 
our opinions, our talents, and everything we have, at a fair value, 
and not charge ten pounds for a square egg which costs us little or 
nothing." 

Whatever ignorance on this subject might remain in Johnson's 
mind, or in that of his club, it somehow or other leaked out that 
the square egg was a cunning invention of the farmer's son to 
enable his fatlier to pay his taxes, it being somewhat of a hard 
year for the old gentleman. It was found, on examination, that 
two very curious boxes were made of egg-shells, and the contents 
of two new-laid eggs were sealed up in the boxes with such remark- 
able ingenuity as to defy the scrutiny of any but the most watchful 



6 TUE SQUARE EGG. 

observers ; the square eggs were then successively conveyed to the 
nest of a certain hen, who thus obtained her remarkable celebrity. 

And the sage Johnson was right, and the company thought so 
too, and many an excellent moral was drawn from the story before 
they separated; and since then, we ourselves have thought much of 
this square egg, and have attempted to profit by a train of thought 
which we intend to present to our readers. 



CHAPTER II. 



Good Men are not always Wise. — The Andover Professor. — Excellent Moral 
from a Barrel of Flour. — A small Square Egg. — Three Kinds of Square 
Eggs, contributed by Spiritualism, Science, and Morals. — The Mesmeric 
Egg- 

It will not, we trust, be deemed irrelevant, if, before we proceed, 
we relate another anecdote, which has a bearing on this matter 
in a small way ; for the result will plainly show that wise men, and 
good men, and great men, are often unconsciously dealing in square 
eggs. "We shall begin with the smaller eggs, and ascend to the 
larger by long steps. The scene of this anecdote is in Boston, not 
far from the bottom of State-street. 

A late learned and eminent Professor of the Andover Seminary 
was sometimes full of notions. One beautiful autumnal morning he 
presented himself at the store of a friend, who was a dealer in flour. 
" I want," said he, " a barrel of flour. My experience has taught 
me that this extra fine flour is not the thing ; I want a barrel of 
the coarsest flour you can send me." 

" I can send you," said the store-keeper, " a barrel of extremely 
coarse flour ; but it is more fit for the cows to eat than for your 
table, and I would recommend something a little better." 

" It is the very thing I want," said the professor ; " send me a 
barrel." So saying, he snatched up his cane, and took hasty leave 
for commencement at Harvard, where, he said, he was in great haste 
to go. 

The shop-keeper knew he was buying a square egg, but he could 



THE SQUARE EGG. 7 

not help it ; so the barrel went up to Audover, and in a few weeks 
the professor came down again. 

" Bad flour ! " said the professor. 

" No doubt of it," said the store-keeper. 

" Can you send me a barrel of the whitest and best ? " 

" Yes," was the reply. 

" No matter how soon it comes," said the professor. 

The same afternoon, a barrel of " Akron Mills," then in high 
vogue, was on its way to Andover. 

The professor found that the coarse flour was a square egg ; but 
he had the good sense to see the moral, as we shall presently find. 
He was a very upright man, and promised he would never recom- 
mend coarse flour again. 

In a month or two more, he came again to the store, threw him- 
self into a chair, laid down his cane, took out his wallet, and said, 
" Sir, do I owe you for two barrels of flour ? " 

" Undoubtedly," said the store-keeper. 

" Let me have a bill," said the professor. 

The store-keeper handed the bill, making some apology for the 
high price of the coarse flour ; all kinds being high that year. 

" Say nothing, I beg you," said the professor; "I have learned 
a most valuable lesson, — the flour is extremely cheap." 

" Please communicate the lesson," said the store-keeper. 

" With pleasure," said the professor. " When I saw that dark 
bread on the table, it gave a dismal aspect to everything. It cast 
its shadow on the white cloth, and, worse than all, on the faces of 
every one at table ; it was an evil genius. There was no way to 
dispose of it but to cast it out; and the cows had the ofier of it, but 
whether they ate it or not, I am not informed. But now, per 
contra, the white flour made the very best of cakes, and when they 
appeared on the table, they operated to a perfect charm. ^ The 
blues, and storms, and shadows, fled away before the sunshine of 
those matchless cakes ; and if any came to the table with a frown, 
it was eft'ectually dispelled for the whole day. Believe me, sir, it 



8 TUE SQUARE EGG. 

is a moral duty to buy a good baiTol of flour. No man who can 
afford it has a right to buy a bad one." 

And the sago professor was right, — it was evident he did not 
mean to deal any more in square eggs. How he got inveigled 
into the same nii»takc afterwards, as we shall see he did, is a mys- 
tery which it is hard to explain. 

There never was, probably, a time when so many square eggs 
were in the market as now ; and, what is most remarkable, although 
they are very badly manufactured, it is impossible for some men to 
see the cheat. Good men, too, and wise men, are deceived, just as 
they were when the Eastern land square egg was in the market. 
It will be impossible for us to describe all the kinds and sizes of 
these square eggs, for their name is legion ; but we must confine our 
attention to a few of the most remarkable. We shall, therefore, 
present three different species of square eggs, from the domains 
of philosophy, namely : The Mesmeric, or Spiritual. The Geolog- 
ical, or Scientific. And, that most remarkable square egg in the 
moral department, namely, the Fugitive Slave Law. 

The first is the Mesmeric Egg. This egg is nearly square ; — it 
has some small protuberances upon it, which make it in some points 
approach the oval form, and for this reason it is not so current, and 
is more easily suspected. The spirit rappers trade largely in this c^. 
Who, in nature, hatched it, and how it came to be jiopular at all, 
is a mystery. Some persons say they can see the cement which holds 
the parts together, and which thus proves it to be false ; others declare 
they can see nothing but harmony and perfection in all its parts. 

This square egg produced the Salem AV itchcraft. No mortal can 
tell, at this day, the terrible effects which the sale of this egg oc- 
casioned. It filled the streets with devils and the prisons with 
witches ; broomsticks darkened the sky ; Satan's fiddle sounded in 
the court-room, and the witches danced before their honors, the 
judges, with such magic skill, that, like Herod ^f old, they gave 
them all they asked, even to the heads of twenty victims. Let the 
community look out for this square egg. Whoever meddles with it 
will bo likely to luulwr seven other devils, more wicked than himself. 



THE SQUARE EGG. 



CHAPTER III. 



The Geological Square Egg. —Its Origin. —Its Patrons. —Its Wonderful Anti- 
quity. — Its Uses and Abuses. — The last and most Wonderful Square Egg. 

— It is an Object of Worship. — Trouble of Conscience . — A 13ad Atmosphere. 

— Some Democrats can hardly bear it. — Many of the Whigs faint. - The 
Worship proceeds, and the Egg obtains Universal Homage. — A Friendly Con- 
ference -with Devils. 

We shall next consider the Geological Square Egg.^ Persons 
of science, and others, too, may wonder at our classification of the 
different species of square eggs, and perhaps doubt the wisdom of our 
arrangements ; but we hope they will not question our geological 
facts. This square egg was hooked up by Dr. Hitchcock and others, 
from the lower deposits of fossiliferous rock, where it was probably 
laid by an antediluvian hen, as many ages before the flood as there 
are sands on the sea-shore. This hen cackled in vain when she 
deposited her egg, and, instead of garnishing the tables of Dr. 
Johnson's club, and those of other philosophers, she was doubtless 
devoured in those barbarous times by the carnivorous tribes which 
then peopled the amplitudes of creation. This square egg is emi- 
nently patronized by men of science ; and though its dimensions are 
large, and its form is shadowy, yet the daubing of the architect is 
more readily seen by common eyes than by those of the learned. To 
those who are permitted to view it through the odyle, or luminifer- 
ous ether of Dr. Hitchcock, it is a piece of magical beauty and 
wondrous symmetry ; and it seems not improbable to the most emi- 
nent geologists that it was the first egg laid by the first hen that 
was created by law out of the star dust of the " Vestiges," and 
deposited among the coolings of what was then the "upper crust" 
of creation. 

The discovery of this square egg has opened a field of wonders 
which no mortal eye can explore. The daguerreotype of this old hen 
is now, for aught we know, visible on the luminiferous ether to all 

* We make no war upon science. Geology in its facts is valuable, in its spec- 
ulations too often pernicious. We must subtract largely from Prcs. Hitchcock's 
theories, to bring them into the regions of common sense. Men eminent in 
science are often preeminent in credulity. 



10 THE SQUAKE EGG. 

hens that exist in the universe, which Avonderful sight must be a 
great loss to those unfortunate cacklcrs who are daily carved up for 
geological and other banquets. 

One would suppose that this square egg must have been petrified 
among the solids in which it was imbedded for so many ages ; but, 
strange to say, it looks fresh and inviting as a new-laid egg. Even 
the nest came up with it, curiously interwoven with fossil j&bres in 
a great variety of beautiful forms. The wonder is that some other 
hen did not choose this delightful abode for introducing a new flim- 
ily of the poultry tribes, for the benefit of whom it might concern, 
there being no hotels or eating-houses in those days. 

It was a pity Mr. Lycll and Dr. Hitchcock dug up this square egg. 
As long as they dealt in good old-fashioned oval eggs, the pubHc pa- 
tronized them, and were even willing the eggs should be flattened a 
little, because the dealers were greatly respected ; but when they 
insisted upon its being wholly square, the men of science held on, 
and the men of sense left them ; and, what was worse than all, the 
Scriptures left them too, or, as some say, they ran away from the 
Scriptures. They did not follow the wisdom of the illustrious 
Newton, who found by the inductive philosophy, that everything 
visible outside of the world was globular. 

Will our readers pardon us for presenting another square egg to 
their consideration ? It is the largest, the most wonderful, the most 
costly, and yet the most deceitful and worthless, we have ever 
known. We might enlarge our list, and meditate with profit on 
many other square eggs, but this mystery of mysteries shall close 
the series. If we heed not its moral lesson, we shall think, with 
Dr. Hitchcock, that our thunder-scarred daguerreotypes will be visi- 
ble in the remotest creation. 

The Fugitive Slave Law is a square egg. It was developed by 
the keenest mind in America ; for what purpose, is not now a subject 
of inquiry. Some glimpses of it have been seen more or less for 
seventy years, yet it required the gigantic powers and inimitable 
skill of the " great Expounder" to reproduce and exhibit this egg in 
a broad light, and in its perfect symmetry and matcliless proportions 



THE SQUARE EGO. 11 

The old lien that deposited this egg, we are told, was the Constitu- 
tion of the United States. Many doubted and even now deny this 
eminent parentage for this square egg, for the same hen has pro- 
duced the most beautiful oval eggs the world ever saw ; and it is 
strongly suspected that this square egg was deposited under the 
hen by some designing persons, and brought forth under false pre- 
tences and for selfish purposes ; but, however this may be, the egg 
is very much admired by multitudes, while by others it is pro- 
nounced the clumsiest imposture that was ever got up. No mortal 
can account for such differences of opinion. At two large conven- 
tions of the people in one of our great cities, this square egg was 
pronounced the grandest achievement of the poultry tribes since the 
world began. Nay, more, the people were required to do homage 
to it, as the Jews of old were commanded to worship the golden 
image that Nebuchadnezzar set up. It is deeply to be lamented 
that not even three worthies could be found, in all those conven- 
tions, that did not fall down and worship it. 

It could not be disguised, however, that while it stood on the 
whig and democratic platforms, and received the homage demanded 
for it, there were certain nasal organs that were somewhat dis- 
turbed, as if it were possible this noble square egg was not exactly 
sound. In some places the shell was thin ; ,and in others, through 
some invisible defect, a disagreeable odor was perceived ; so that 
those whose olfactories were at all sensitive were seen to pay their 
worship with their noses carefully guarded by their fingers. There 
was, however, a remarkable epidemic at the time, — an influenza in 
the head, — which to some extent protected the worshippers from 
severe annoyance. 

It was distinctly noticed, among other things, that the democrats 
bore the effluvia better than the whigs ; their worship was hearty, 
and almost unanimous. When Bryant, of the Evening Tost, and a 
few Barnburners, went up to pay their devotions, they were plainly 
seen with their fingers on their noses ; it was manifestly hard work 
for them to bow in this " House of Rimmon;" but they got through 
the ceremony as decently as they could, as did all the worshippers. 
It was really a wonder that this idolatry was endured at all ; 



12 THE SQUARE EGG. 

and it is said that without the influenza, and some phials with cer- 
tain preparations of dissolved and carbonated gold and silver, most 
of the devotees would have fainted on the platform. It is even 
reported that so penetrating and subtle was the effluvia, that the 
Evening Post could not get rid of it, and was dropped by many as 
a nuisance. But when it came to the turn of the whigs to offer 
their devotions, it was really curious to 'see the scrabbling to get up 
on the platform. Some of them fainted outright ; others declared 
tliey could not endure the poison of the atmosphere. The southern 
whigs, being acclimated, did all they could to support their distressed 
associates, and finally, by hook arid by crook, the square- eggj; with cer- 
tain mental reservations, obtained the universal hosann^i of tl]fe:whigs. 

Nothing could exceed the praise which many*of the^VTiigs 
bestowed on this square e^g. They confessed it was an anomaly, 
— they had never seen the like before. They were not prepared 
for such a revolution in mechanics, but, under all the circumstances, 
it was just the kind of egg the times required. Everything was 
out of joint, and it was fitting that something should be square. It 
famished a monitory lesson, which it was high time to learn, namely, 
that the happiness of the few must give way to that of the many ; 
and that, if southern morals were not so strict as northern ethics, 
we must put up with the infirmities of our neighbors, even at 
the sacrifice of what is vulgarly called "principle." In the new 
and improved dictionary, interest must be added to the "principle" 
to make the sum perfect ; and this new arithmetic was clearly sug- 
gested by that remarkable phenomenon, the " square egg." 

And here the Great Expounder was not right, and the learned 
and eloquent professor who endorsed his teachings was not eight. 
Over this square egg the democrats and whigs shook hands with 
DEVILS, arid ratified a compact, at which Justice frowns and Humanity 
shudders. It was fit that some deformity of nature should be the 
emblem of such a deed. We have heard of a piratical tribe, who 
swore fidelity, in their deeds of blood, over the symbol of a " stony 
heart." As the two great parties would think this a cruel meta- 
phor, we thank Dr. Johnson^ for having enabled us to set forth 
their nbominations under the milder image of a "square egg." 



1 



